"i'm here to kill you"
he told me in silence
words are murder and i've been shot
the bullet travels as i lay dying
i absorb the shock
you took so much
and left nothing behind
except a trail of broken promises
and punches to the gut
no one will ever know
part of me died the moment we met
it took me by surprise
how can one person
have so much power
this can't be love
but still i'd die again for it
you left behind shards
the cut grows deeper as i bleed out
grasping above to my assassin
screaming for you to stop
it's the end and the beginning again
when i wake up
i close my eyes
am i dead?
i ask myself quietly
im asleep on the inside
funny how a moment
can feel like forever
my heart is beating
outside of my chest
i stare from the inside out
all i see is black
as i imagine my life
but imagining will be
the death of me
tick
tock
this alarm is my prison
its time to start the day
play pretend
wake up
its almost time for my entrance
give me an oscar
this is the performance of a lifetime
but no one knows
its tucked inside my heart
the little secret only i know
im the only one on earth
what if i don't get up
what if i just fade
like nothing memorable
except maybe to a few
the lies we tell ourselves
might as will be real
no ones gonna save me
but
what
do
you
do
when
you
dont
want
to
be
saved?
i cant explain this darkness
i am possessed
i tell myself
there must be something
wrong with me
but only i can see
i revel in this pain
strength is what i need to breathe
my heart overflows
with years of broken dreams
i walk a mile
just to stand up
just to wake up
just to do it again
over and over again
until when?
i do this to myself
it was 2006. Maybe the early spring,
near high school graduation.
the night was like most nights that year had been:
never long enough.
we were growing up together
and growing apart at the very same time.
in less than a year, we'd all be off to college.
i remember how dark the sky was.
and as i stretched back in my chair, i inhaled how twinkly the stars were.
how small i felt
and how much i liked the feeling of being insignificant.
that's when i heard him.
i was interrupted from my spiritual moment.
a shrieking: "I'm gonna marry you" in an unfamiliar voice.
i had never seen him before.
he was new to my friend group.
despite his abrupt entre into my orbit,
i allowed him to entertain me with musings about his next steps
and why ridley was a better high school than springfield
and other things about literature and how he liked his coffee.
i wanted to know it all.
and he was ready to propose.
but we let it stay there that night.
our lives intertwined throughout college,
but only as much as would be considered cordial but distant enough.
i forget what day of the week it was.
i forget what made me do it.
but around a similar time of year as we first met, early spring,
6 years later,
i kissed you.
and you kissed me back.
